The Laundry RP (Entry #3)

Bear in mind that this entry is being written up about a week later than it should have been (mostly because my dissertation and other work got in the way) – as such: the overall accuracy of this particular story is highly suspect. Here is the next entry in the Laundry RP series… I like to call it “HOW NOT TO DO A MISSION” for obvious reasons:

It was an early morning for the Charnwood Laundry Branch. All the members of the group slowly dragged themselves out of their beds and to their workplace underneath the town’s monument. Ethel welcomed two new members to the group: Jemerald Smith, a reasonably attractive young woman, and Lesley Bian, a huge woman who was ‘built like a brick shit-house’.

After a quick coffee to wake themselves up, Reginald called the group into this office. He thanked them all for coming along at such short notice and started to explain what was going on:

“Recently we’ve been contacted by head-office to investigate some suspicious activity in Wales. I’ve not been told much be I know that you’re all being sent to investigate what’s going on. Oh, and Penelope is off on another mission right now – she’ll be dropped in via parachute as and when she becomes free.”

Reluctantly the group left the building and walked to the train station… caught the early train to East Midlands Parkway and then walked into the airport to await a flight across to their destination. It was at this point that most of the guys went and bought some duty-free junk: Bruce bought matches and deodorant, Jemerald bought a giant packet of Smarties and Dr. Smedley grabbed himself a bottle of very strong alcohol.

Bruce was rather unsettled by airports – his simple mind could not fathom that not everyone in the world was a terrorist. He glimpsed a shifty-looking man loading a black duffle bag into a nearby storage bay for their plane. Reacting instantly: Bruce yelled “Bomb!” and ran at the man… rugby tackling him to the ground. The poor man turned to Bruce and said “I’m one of you guys! I was just loading the damn plane!”

After a few minutes of calming down the airport security with various warrant cards and fast-talking, the group of Laundry operatives wandered onto the jet and took off towards Wales. Inside the plane the group opened up the duffle bag and pulled out some interesting equipment: a tillinghast resonator (a machine that shows magical energies to those around it) a few bags of the powder of Ibn-Ghazi (a powder that shows up invisible things) and a black plastic bag with some kind of gun inside it (attached to which were orders that it was not to be opened unless the team were specifically told to).

The team landed in Wales and were picked up by a man named Rennie. Rennie was a grumpy looking man with messy hair, wild eyes and dirty-looking hunting clothes. The group sat awkwardly inside the welshman’s four-by-four as it drove off into the middle of nowhere.


Eventually after an hour or so the car stopped and the group got out. They had arrived at a restricted military testing area, similar to Salisbury Plain. Rennie took them to some strange looking tracks near the edge of a forest, he mumbled that there were ‘strange things’ in the forest. The group turned on the tillinghast resonator – a strange feeling of nausea hit the group hard as the world warped around them, they could see a creepy glowing trail into the forest: they decided to follow it.

After a few minutes the group turned off the resonator due to it making them feel too sick. They continued to follow strange tracks in the ground – which Rennie identified as mostly sheep… Eventually the group came across a field, in the corner a bunch of sheep were huddled together in fear.

It was at this moment that Penelope Tittington drifted down into the field, behind her a giant union-jack parachute billowed in the wind. She probably should have said something bad-ass at this point, but she couldn’t think of anything.

The group noticed that three of the sheep were dead, drained of their organs through nasty-looking slits on the back of their necks. They were shocked to see this but decided to continue following the tracks on the ground. Rennie continued to mutter to himself, but he was interrupted by the sound of a little girl singing.

Following the sound of singing the operatives came across a small clearing in which a girl was sitting. Jemerald walked up to the girl and offered her a Smartie; the girl said she loved Smarties and her invisible friend would love them too. Lesley (or as she preferred to be called “Lez”) asked the girl what she meant by ‘invisible friend’ to which the child replied “My invisible friend: Yog-Snuffles… he’ll be here again soon.”

Almost instantly Bruce went into action mode – he picked up the girl and punched her in the face to try and knock her out. The group looked on in confusion as their fellow agent span back around with the girl in his arms, an inane grin on his face.

Bruce’s grin dropped quickly as a loud roar from seemingly nowhere echoed through the forest. In an instant poor Rennie was lifted off the ground by an invisible force, he neck was slit open and the group watched as his body was drained of its organs.

The group pleaded with Bruce to let the girl go before the invisible creature killed all of them. Bruce refused so an irritated Dr. Smedley shot him in the leg with his pistol. Bruce fell over and dropped the girl, she ran off into the forest without the team’s notice.

In a moment of genius, Smedley ripped a piece of Penelope’s shirt off, stuffed it into his bottle of powerful alcohol and lit the end with one of Bruce’s matches. This makeshift molotov splashed all across the invisible monster before them, making it run off screaming into the forest.

The group spotted a large concrete bunker nearby and ran into it for safeties sake. Bruce refused to go into the bunker with Smedley, so he stood outside in the cold, wet air. He was fed up of Dr. Smedley shooting at him every time he did something silly.

The rest of the group investigated in insides of the facility. It was completely abandoned… it looked as if there had been a break out by one of the experiments. Upon turning on the resonator, the group were shown images of ghostly shadows experimenting on long-forgotten experiments: tentacles growing from petri dishes and people running from something down a corridor.

At this moment Bruce was still waiting outside despite hearing the sounds of the approaching monster. As the monster approached Bruce attempted to burn it again using his deodorant and matches – but due to taking far too long to think about it… he ended up losing his arm to the creature’s attack.

Jemerald dragged Bruce kicking and screaming into the bunker before the monster could devour him. She left him by a wall and went back to the main group to see what was going on.

The operatives all entered a large summoning chamber in the center of the complex. Inside a man and a woman were chanting in an unknown language: they appeared to be opening a portal to another universe. A tear in space-time floated in the center of the room, inside  which unspeakable horrors laid in wait.

Smedley pulled out his pistol and shot the man in the head, Ernie Nybble followed suit and shot the woman. With both the people dead, the portal closed quickly, but not before something behind it could speak:

“You will not stop the coming of me and my kind, Laundry. The walls grow thin and we shall feast upon mankind! The girl still lives and she will summon us through! My creature will find her!”

Upon searching the bodies the team realised that the child that Bruce had maliciously attacked earlier was the daughter of these two people. After feeling bad for a few minutes the group moved back to Bruce.

Penelope ripped another piece of her shirt off and used it to bandage Bruce’s wounds. Lez then picked up Bruce and carried him for the rest of the mission as he groaned in pain.

Ernie deduced that the girl would head to the nearby hill in order to summon the portal once again. He partly guessed this based on a book he’d read and the fact that there was a dark spinning hole in the clouds above said nearby hill.

The group reached the top of the hill and destroyed the chalk summoning circle that had been drawn there… it was here they rang Reginald: they weren’t happy with the lack of information they’d been given for this mission.

Reginald apologised, he didn’t realise that the creature that had been created years ago by the Laundry scientists was still alive. He asked the team to take out the bag with the gun inside, he explained that it was a marking device that would call in an rail-gun strike.

Armed with this new weapon… the team came up with a couple of plans:

  1. Kill a bunch of sheep and wear their bodies as camouflage, then mark the creature as and when it comes to try and eat them. (Lez’s idea…)
  2. Use Bruce as bait to lure the creature to the summoning circle, then blow the both of them to kingdom-come (Bruce was heavily against this idea.)
  3. Lure the girl into the bunker and hope that the creature follows her – then blow them all up using the rail gun marker. (Lez’s other idea…)
  4. Re-open the portal and fire the rail gun through it, just to piss of the creatures on the other side. (Smedley’s idea…)

They chose plan number three. Using the large bag of Smarties that Jemerald had bought at the airport the team created a trail from the hill to the bunker. The group then hid and watched as the girl followed the trail into the bunker. They saw the grass around the bunker move as the creature moved in towards the girl.

Jemerald protested as the team pulled out the marker and pointed it at the bunker, she didn’t want to kill the girl. Smedley said that they’d already killed her parents, so it wasn’t exactly fair not to finish the job.

The rail-gun strike came quickly. A bright light decimating the area around the bunker and leaving a massive crater. Bits of the monster lay strewn across the landscape along with crushed pieces of concrete bunker.

Reginald congratulated the group on a successful mission. He asked if the group had seen a family at any point during the mission, as several soldiers had come across a people-carrier stuck in the mud in the restricted area. Robert replied with a simple “No.”

Guilt weighed heavily on the operatives as they boarded their plane for home. They hoped never to have such a botched mission again. Bruce sat in the corner grumbling, holding the stump of his arm and glaring angrily at Dr. Smedley.

What will happen next time? Will Bruce get his revenge on Smedley for the loss of his arm? Will he actually do something that doesn’t involve rugby tackling everyone he sees? Find out next time!

The Laundry RP (Entry #2)

So to get the new players into a basic understanding of how the laundry operates, I sent them to a basic training mission in Dunwich (one of the generic missions described in the book). We also had another two members of the group join the form of Ernie Nybble and Penelope Tittington… both of whom are certainly ‘characters’.

The story begins as the four Laundry operatives joined together at the carillon secret base. Both Bruce and Robert were surprised to see two new members for their team: Ernie Nybble: a depressed, anally retentive nerd and Penelope Tittington, a brunette bombshell of a woman, trained in subtle stealth and subterfuge.

Reginald was delighted to tell the four operatives that they would not be hanging around the facility for too long. It was time for the groups basic training in “sunny” Dunwich, a secret village somewhere on the coast of Norfolk. Soon the group were on a small plane and travelling towards their destination.

Upon landing, the team were greeted by a grumpy looking man with unnaturally bulbous eyes and pallid skin. He took them to a dirty-looking minibus and they all got in.

Inside the minibus, the group met a man called Bernie Goldfield. He was a rather sickly looking man, and was very jumpy when they tried to talk to him. Goldfield told them about how he was drafted into the Laundry and that he had no idea what was in store for all of them. Bruce attempted to pick-pocket Bernie, but failed… Bernie thought he was trying to touch him up.

Eventually the group came to a dull-looking quay. They hopped aboard a small motorboat that smelt of fish and then set off for the town of Dunwich. They group noticed a bunch of destroyed houses sunken under the water below… and upon closer inspection they noticed large, dark things moving around between the buildings too.

Eventually they came across the village of Dunwich, it was a miserable place with a series of ramshackle cottages, concrete administration buildings and a large white church-like structure. The team disembarked the boat and went on a tour with Leah Poisson, a Laundry HR Officer. She explained to the group how the Laundry operated and gave them a stack of paperwork to complete before dinner.

Dinner was okay… a watery fish soup. The group swallowed down what they could and then walked over to the pub. Whilst on their walk, Bruce decided to tail Bernie Goldfield, but was noticed – by this point Bernie was convinced that Bruce was stalking him for some sick reason.

At the pub, the group were introduced to Sergeant Laine, the man who would be training them over the next few days. He said hello, but was far too busy watching the football on the TV. Ernie Nybble attempted to tune the TV slightly in order to make the reception better… but ended up breaking the TV set completely. The group were thrown out by the barman and asked not to come back for the rest of the night.

After a night of awkward sleep the group went to their first lecture with Dr. Meredith Holmes. She was clearly not in the mood for any of the group’s nonsense as she explained the methods behind summoning monsters from other universes. Meredith set up a summoning circle in the centre of the room and summoned a creature from another world, warning the group that it could easily possess any one of them if they were not wearing magical wards.

After the lecture had ended the group moved to the firing range to practice firearms in the form of glock pistols. Sergeant Laine was not impressed by their skills and as such he made them run across the town and up to a nearby cliff.

Poor Ernie ended up falling over on the run and he broke his leg. He was wheeled off to hospital by staff as the rest of the group continued to run on.

Bruce noticed a shiny thing in the bushes, so he walked over to investigate. To his horror he found a dead body in the bushes. He picked up the body and carried it over to his teammates. Penelope did what she did best and expertly searched the body: she found I.D. and two mobile phones. The group also noticed he had died from a heart attack induced by some form of magic.

Smedley picked up one of the phones and rang the number pre-programmed on it. It turned out that the dead man was a Laundry agent charged with tracking down an assassin from the Esoteric Order of Dagon – a secret cult that worships an old creature from beneath the seas. The man on the other end of the phone tasked the team with a mission: find the cultist and stop them before he/she can kill them!

They knew only one thing more: the assassin was probably one of the staff members working in Dunwich.

The group decided to keep the body hidden from Sergeant Laine and continue on as if nothing had happened. After the run they visited Ernie in the infirmary to alert him to the danger he could face, Bruce picked Ernie up and took him out of the building with them.

Robert and Penelope broke into Laine’s room and searched it for offending items. After checking a set of drawers, Robert cut himself on a strange-looking knife in the set of drawers. The two were convinced this was a sacrificial knife, and then kept it just to be safe.

Meanwhile, Bruce and Ernie managed to unlock the door to Miss. Poisson’s room, in which they found a huge amount of cosmetics and papers informing them that she may in fact be turning into a monstrous fish-woman!

That night the group met back up and told Bernie Goldfield about what they had found, he agreed that they should keep a close eye on Laine, as there was clearly something fishy about him.

The next morning the group had another lecture with Dr. Holmes, during which a thaumometer (a machine that measures magical energy) went off in an unnatural way. The group were unsure as to what this meant, but for some reason Bruce punched Bernie in the face anyway. Bernie called Bruce a madman and sat in the corner crying.

Sergeant Laine walked in and saw the scene in front of him. Angered by the violent behavior  he ordered all of the group to come with him for ‘evasion’ training. The operatives followed Laine to a nearby beach, Ernie stayed behind due to his broken leg.


Laine pulled out a paintball gun and told the group that they had to reach him on the other end of the beach in order to complete this test successfully. If they got hit by a paintball they instantly failed.

Of course Bernie ended up getting shot in the arse and he fell over pathetically in the sand – getting a mouthful of it. He shrugged and wandered off back to the village. The rest of the group continued to dodge their way between rocks on the beach towards Laine.

Meanwhile, Ernie Nybble rested in his hospital bed. His eyes closed as he drifted closer and closer to sleep. He snapped back awake as he heard a set of footsteps entering the room. It was Bernie Goldfield, and he was holding a large sacrificial knife.

Ernie flopped out of the bed and clambered of the window, narrowly missing the slashing of the knife. He waddled into the fields and towards the beach where his friends were… falling into a ditch to avoid the sight of his knife-wielding pursuer.

Back at the beach Dr. Smedley managed to reach the Sergeant. The rest of the group unfortunately were peppered with paintball marks. Laine congratulated him and patted him on the back.

It was at this point that Ernie appeared over the salt-flats, waving his arms in panic. “I am being attacked!” he said in his nasally voice.

Smedley used this moment to confront Laine about the knife he had found in his room. Laine was livid that the group hadn’t told him about the possibility of an assassin… not to mention the breaking-and-entering. Penelope calmed him down and managed to seduce him… for some reason.

The group searched for Bernie but couldn’t find him anywhere in the village. Penelope and Laine shared a passionate moment  together in his room (…her stamina was quite legendary). Upon leaving his room, the two found poor Miss Poisson dead in her room, her throat had been slit.

It was at this moment that a loud crackling sound echoed across the whole village. A green light emanated from the Order Hall (the white building) and it proceeded to flow out and into houses nearby.

Bruce and Ernie were shocked to see the possessed body of the barman from the pub wandering around the streets, the green light was clearly a summoning gone wrong! Bruce threw a rock at the barman and knocked him off his feet, buying them a few minutes of time.

The group met back up and headed to the nearby armoury to get pistols, Sergeant Laine made a call out to Laundry HQ in order to bring in back-up. They then ran back to the Order Hall and attempted to get in through the door, but it was magically warded. Smedley broke in through a window, and the rest of the group followed (Bruce carried Ernie through the window easily).

Bernie Goldfield stood above the unconscious body of Dr. Holmes, he was chanting in tongues and lifting a knife above his head. Robert, Bruce and Penelope drew their pistols and took shots at him, stopping him dead in his tracks before he could kill anyone… sadly Bruce ended up with a nasty knife wound to his torso.

Meanwhile the possessed villagers congregated around the building, knocking on the windows and doors. The moaned loudly as the group looked around for a solution to the mess they were in.

Ernie hobbled over to a computer and attempted to re-program the system to stop the summoning circle, but unfortunately he made things worse – amplifying the signal to anger the villagers even more. Robert managed to rip apart the wires supplying power to the circle, stopping it from summoning more extraordinary phenomena.

Unfortunately the possessed villagers did not stop their attack and continued to smash through the windows. The group backed up towards the door as they waited for their much needed Laundry assistance. Their pistols did wonders to stop most of the villagers who came to attack them, but a rather bulky man burst in through a window and charged at them in a furious rage.

Ernie managed to put up a defensive forcefield at the very last second, stopping the man from crushing Penelope into a wall. The man slammed his fists against the barrier in a feral manner as it slowly weakened. Smedley looked up and aimed his gun at the chandelier above the man, he waited for the moment the barrier fell and then managed to drop the chandelier on him!

Bruce managed to overhear the sound of a helicopter over the deafening moaning from outside the building. The group heard the sound of gunfire and the moaning slowly became quieter.

The fallen chandelier had set fire to a nearby curtain and quickly the building’s more flammable artefacts ignited fiercely, the operatives needed to get out before they were cooked alive.

Ernie managed to unlock the door by removing the ward on the handle using the computer. The four people burst out of the Order Hall and into the bleak Dunwich air. Above them a helicopter hung in the air, inside they could see several black-suited soldiers with large rifles in their hands. A man in a suit walked up to them and debriefed them on the situation, he wasn’t impressed with the mess that had been caused – a lot of paperwork would have to be filled out because of this mess.

Next time the group will be heading to Wales! There’s been an incident with a flock of sheep and an invisible monster.